Where should I lay my tears?

Today, a personal note. I have three beautiful children. We were expecting our fourth child in April. Unfortunately, we had a miscarriage this last weekend. After initial indications that something was wrong on Friday we went in for a ultrasound which confirmed our fears. We took the weekend to reflect on things and determine whether to let things happen naturally or to get a D and C.

There are many emotions you experience with a miscarriage. The first thing you realize is that many people have gone through this experience. After the initial bewilderment there is a deep emotional angst that you encounter. When a person dies you know exactly what sort of tears you should shed and where they should fall. With a miscarriage there is a strange ambiguity that you encounter.

Questions arise: Did I cause this? What could I have done differently? Was there a spirit in the child already? How do I break the news to my living children?

On top of this, there are some specific Mormon doctrines that give you both comfort and additional questions: Will I have this child in the afterlife to raise? Was the child taken to fulfill some greater purpose?

Joseph Smith felt that the Lord takes away many that they may avoid the troubles of this world. "They were too pure, too lovely to remain on the earth."

In the end we opted for the D and C. Essentially, this is the same type of procedure used for an abortion. My wife chose a medium anesthetic and remembers nothing of the operation. Fortunately, it's an outpatient procedure and the physical and emotional healing is already evident.

But with this encounter I have a deeper appreciation for the frailty of life, the life that exists in the womb and the deep trauma that abortion can cause.

Most importantly I have a deeper love for my existing children and that love runs eternal.